Well, the Commonwealth Games opened & closed without any major incident, except for the booing received by Mr. Kalmadi when he was about to start his speech. We will come back to this in the later section of this update bulletin. There was a huge internal debate within the CWC as whether to conduct the Opening & Closing Ceremony in an open stadium or a closed structure. The point was, if the ceremony was held in a closed building with a roof, then the CWG opening & closing ceremony would continue without any untoward incidents – especially the torrential rains of Delhi. Imagine having the opening ceremony in pouring rain. That would certainly wash away the
L’Oreal (Oh it is so REAL) makeup
(Pseudo-Secular Foundation Cream) of
Barkha Dutt who would be in the ceremony covering the games for the greatest News Channel of India –
NDTV. It would also wash away her so called Pseudo Secular façade, and that would be a big letdown wouldn’t it. The rains would also wash away the wigs being worn by some of the politicians and it would not be a pleasant sight, would it. It would be truly a hair rising experience!!
Finally it was decided that the ceremonies be held in an open stadium. The reason given by the
CWC (Congress Working Committee) was that it would be safer if held in an open stadium. If it was to be held in a closed building, it would have to be in any of the new buildings built for this Commonwealth Games. Now with Suresh Kalmadi overseeing the development of this building, chances are that the foundation might still not have been laid for this building. The Congress Working Search Committee would never be able to locate this building, as it might not have ever been constructed with all the money allocated for this building going to Suresh Kalmadi’s Carribean bank accounts. The other reasoning was, even if the building existed & the ceremonies were held in this building, there is every possible chance that the roof might have fallen during the opening ceremony and this would not be considered an auspicious beginning for the games. Imagine the roof falling on the chief guests while they are declaring the games Open.
So finally a compromise was reached and they decided to have it in the open stadium with a giant helium balloon overhead. Yeah, Lalit Modi – that irritating marketing gimmick –
THE MRF BLIMP was used for the Opening Ceremony. Too bad Mr. Lalit Modi was out of India at that time, or he would have had a few more money spinning schemes devised for the Opening Ceremony. The Enforcement Directorate is looking for Mr. Lalit Modi, who is in hiding. Maybe, they might get lucky looking for him in that Giant Helium Balloon hovering over the Commonwealth Games. Lalit Modi is not a guy who likes lying low and he does love to fly high.
Back to Mr. Kalmadi, and after the booing he received at the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games, he decided to end his life by hanging himself to the ceiling. He chose the 13th floor of the Games Village Tower C (C for Corruption). Unfortunately the ceilings in these buildings were made of
Benami Cement (no this is not related to
Binani Cement that is endorsed by the
Big B himself) that it gave way. Obviously Kalmadi had personally overseen the procurement of Benami Cement & this procurement helped him secure the financial security of his grandson’s grandchild. Of course this was after paying 22% as a payback to the Congress Working Committee since Kalmadi is also a very honest working member of the Congress Party.
Apparently Kalmadi had approached India Cements for this contract (to provide cement for Games Village) but India Cements were warned by Lalit Modi that it would be a conflict of interest as India Cements could not have anything to do with the Commonwealth Games while they were still part of the IPL. This is a secret clause that was signed by all team owners of the IPL – Conflict of Interest –
All Team Sponsors that sponsor any IPL Team shall not sponsor any other sport, as long as Lalit Modi says it is OK.Well, the suicide mission was a huge flop and Kalmadi came crashing down from the 13th floor and surprisingly landed on the tons & tons of filthy sub-standard mattresses that were procured for the Games Village. As the building collapsed, the debris landed on ‘Shera’ the official mascot of the Commonwealth Games. An emergency meeting was called and members of Congress & the Commonwealth Games met at midnight to mourn the sad demise of
‘Shera’.
The main purpose of this meeting was to decide on a mascot for the farce of an
“Investigation, Probe & Blame Game” that would probe into the financial misgivings & rampant corruption that was part of the Commonwealth Games. The actual purpose of the meeting was to ensure that Maneka Gandhi did not get to know about the sad demise of Shera. As a champion for animal rights, she was already in a foul mood after “Roland Schoeman” the South African swimmer humiliated monkeys by comparing them to the spectators. They didn’t want to deal with Maneka Gandhi and her wrath. This would mean her son Varun Gandhi would also get involved and then it would be an open war between the Congress & the BJP. Then the other Modi, Mr. Narendra Modi would be blamed by NDTV & especially Ms. Barkha Dutt for inciting communal riots and it would never end. So they finally decided that this “Investigation, Probe & Blame Game” would have a mascot that would not depict any animal.
The choice was between Mallika Sherawat & Jayanthi Natarajan.
“Mashai” – MAni SHankar AIyer’s name was also discussed as a mascot, but then since he had promised to be out of India at that time – the choice of Mani Shankar Aiyar as a mascot didn’t find any supporters within the CWC Party Meeting.
The 2 choices – Mallika & Jayanthi Natarajan were certainly comparable to the age old fairy tale –
BEAUTY & THE BEAST and sensuousness, sexiness, beauty & physical features were hardly the factors in drawing up this parallel between Mallika & Jayanthi Natarajan. Finally it was decided that Mallika Sherawat would be the official mascot as she is the more self-proclaimed intelligent person amongst the available choices. Another important factor was that till date there has been not a single moment that anyone has seen Ms. Jayanthi Natarajan smile. Mallika has a sexy intelligent smile and a sensuous pout, and these features would certainly make the mascot look good. Plus Mallika’s last name contains the word ‘Shera’, and this would be the best homage to the dead SHERA. Also, people would look at the new mascot and exclaim – ‘Shera”wat” (what)!!
The name chosen for the new mascot was –
MaShera. Possible alternatives discussed during the meeting were – “lik-her”, “lik-raw”, “kaSher”, “MaSh” etc – all parts of her name MALLIKA SHERAWAT.
Listening to these alternative names, the honorable home minister
Mr. P.C mentioned –
“I am deeply hurt by these abusive & objectionable choices for the name. I am infact more pained & hurt than amused at these ridiculous choices”. After the meeting Barkha Dutt wanted to give the viewers some adrenaline rush as she herself is a self proclaimed adrenaline junkie. So she asked Jayanthi Natarajan about the rejected names & monikers for the new Mascot – “Ms. Jayanthi Natarajan, what do you think about the rejected names like
‘lik-her’,
‘lik-raw’ etc?”
Jayanthi Natarajan replied (bitching & shouting as usual) – “I just do not believe these kind of derogatory names are being used to name a mascot for the greatest sporting spectacle the country has ever hosted. This has Shiv Sena, BJP, and other minority parties written all over it.”
Currently the investigation is still going on, and since it is a top secret meeting of the Congress Working Members, no news about this probe will be leaked out to their official mouthpiece – NDTV. Since the BJP & especially Mr. Narendra Modi were neither involved in this confusion nor were they part of the investigation team, Ms. Barkha Dutt was left twiddling her thumbs with no Pseudo-Secular & Religious debates to host on TV.
So NDTV decided that they would send Ms. Barkha Dutt on a special mission to Bihar to report on the assets of Lalu Prasad Yadav and Rabri Devi just ahead of the assembly elections in Raghopur & Sonepur constituencies in Bihar. Due to the extremely high quality of her investigative journalism Barkha Dutt managed to get the actual figures on the assets of
Rabri Devi. What came as a surprise is that Rabri Devi declared 62 Cows & 42 Calves as assets and the value of these bovine assets was worth 17.8 lakhs.
On seeing these huge numbers, Mr. Kalmadi’s eyes popped out. He later mentioned it on National TV – “17.8 lakhs for 62 Cows & 42 Calves. I could have used that money for procuring just 1.5 treadmills for the poor athletes at the Games Village. What is the point in having so many cows & calves when it is of no use to anyone? I believe in minimalism. 1.5 treadmills would have been the perfect number instead of 62 Cows & 42 Calves”.
On learning about this, Maneka Gandhi &
P.E.T.A called up Barkha Dutt and said they wanted to have a special show on prime time on
NDTV – The BIG FIGHT. The esteemed members of the Panel were – Maneka Gandhi, Uddhav Thackeray, Jayanthi Natarajan, Sharad Pawar, Lalu Prasad Yadav & of course Ms. Mallika Sherawat.
Mr. Shashi Tharoor was also invited – how could you not have something involving Cattle and not invite Mr. Shashi Tharoor. Mr. Tharoor politely tweeted on Twitter that he could not attend this debate as he was on a traveling on a flight from Delhi to Kochi in
‘Cattle Class' to discuss about saving the
Kochi IPL Franchise.
Excerpts from the Big Fight Debate -
MANEKA GANDHI - “These numbers don’t add up. There are 62 Cows & 42 Calves. All I am concerned is who is impregnating these cows. Certainly not Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav! Where is the BULL or where are the Bulls? This is a national shame.”
UDDHAV – “I certainly don’t care about the Cows, Calves or Bulls as none of these belong to Maharashtra. Jai Maharashtra. This is the consequence if all the people from UP, Bihar and the rest of the country that lies outside the great state of Maharashtra infiltrate Maharashtra & start living there. This includes non Marathi cows too. I am ashamed to admit that by allowing these animals into Maharashtra, we are corrupting the people of Maharashtra, especially the younger generation. They grow up on non Marathi milk and this corrupts their minds. This has an even greater impact while these infiltrators cast their vote. No wonder we capture voting booths or those party workers scare the citizens of Maharashtra and force them to vote for my party. We must stop this infiltration at any cost. Jai Maharashtra”.
JAYANTHI NATARAJAN – “Killing women & forcibly impregnating cows – this is not the way to move ahead in society. I am extremely happy that there are no bulls in Rabri’s farm. This is a clear case of 33% reservation for women being practiced in the animal kingdom. The 33% Reservation bill is a joke as it is hardly practiced anywhere. Oh my God, did I just mention the word joke. As far as I have heard from other people, I do not have a single funny bone in my body. What is humor? Pardon my ignorance. Mani Shankar-ji & Chidambaram, can you please help learn a few more words in English.
LALU PRASAD YADAV – “Arre babuaa!! Shrimati Maneka Gandhi doesn’t know about the great state of Bihar. It is derived from the word Brahmavihara. Yeh Brahma kaun hein? Mera vichaar hein ki the Brahma is the supreme creator of this Universe. I have lost count of the number of children I have created; tho yeh saaanD ka count mein kaise rakhu? Meine yeh saaanD ko phoren bhej diya training ke liye. Agle saal mein bhi ek IPL team ka owner banoonga – Bihaari Bullies!!! Thees way I can count more money than what I made in the Podder Scam”!!!
BARKHA DUTT – “Lalu-ji. We all accept that Bihar is derived from Brahmavihara. Forget Maneka Gandhi knowing about it, even Sonia-ji doesn’t know about it. But then no direct reference to any religious characters in this debate. I am strictly pseudo-secular and this is a pseudo secular TV Channel. No reference to any religion, religious characters, and of course places of worship – especially any Grand Places of worship that will be built in the future and endorsed by a certain political party.
SHARAD PAWAR – “I certainly wish there were more bulls in Lalu’s farm. This way, I could have used the tons & tons of rotting food grains in godowns across the country as food for these improvised bulls.”
Suddenly everyone starts wondering – “
Improvised Bulls. What is that?”Thank God for modern technology –
Mani Shankar Aiyar’s voice looms large over this debate & he shouts in his whining tone – “Please ask Mr. Sharad Pawar not to humiliate my adopted mother tongue & the wonderful language of English. I can tolerate all these corrupt politicians rape my motherland, but I will not sit and be a silent spectator when some uneducated, uncouth, & clumsy oaf humiliates English. Mr. Sharad Pawar – it is not Improvised Bull, it is
IMPOVERISHED BULLS. When will you guys learn the art of conversing in flawless English? Even Sonia-ji is more adept at speaking Hindi & English than these uneducated morons”. And in a flash, Mani Shankar vanishes.
Back to Sharad Pawar – “OK Mani Shankar-ji, it is
IMPOVERISHED Bulls. Now coming back to feeding these bulls with the rotting food grains, don’t you think it would put these rotting food grains to better use rather than let it rot in some godown in the country? Everyone seems to point fingers at me by blaming me for the rotting food grains. What they don’t realize is these rotting food grains can be left to rot further and then used as fodder for next year’s bumper crop. I should rename my ministerial portfolio from
“Minister of Agriculture” to
“Scam Preventer & Agricultural Minister [SPAM]”.
BARKHA DUTT – “Mr. Sharad Pawar, can you please educate the viewers of India about the SPAM part”
SHARAD PAWAR – “Well, you see Ms. Barkha, by letting the food grains rot which leads to the starvation of the impoverished people of India, I am helping the food grains turn into fodder. This way we do not have to import fodder from abroad and this will help prevent future occurrences of the Fodder Scam”.
All this while, Mallika Sherawat has been ignored. The camera person tries to painstakingly focus on her self-proclaimed sexiest asset – her brain. But then, since that cannot be possible it focuses on her other self proclaimed sexiest asset – her Nose.
BARKHA DUTT – “Good evening Ms. Sherawat. Welcome to this highly intellectual debate. What do you think about being chosen as the official Mascot for the investigation blame game about the corruption & mis-appropriation of funds and assets in the Commonwealth Games?”
MALLIKA SHERAWAT (in her flawless newly acquired
Haryanvi Jat-Merican Accent) – “I am extremely honored to be chosen as the official mascot.
MaShera – what an innovative name”.
Again the viewers are interrupted by the whining voice of Mr. Mani Shankar Aiyar – “Viewers, just because Ms. Sherawat can speak in a fake American accent, it certainly doesn’t make here extremely conversant or well versed in English. Her accent has fakeness written all over it, just like her assets and her self-proclaimed sexiest asset – her BRAIN”.
MALLIKA SHERAWAT – “I certainly will not pay any attention to those rremarrks made by Mani Schaanker Aiyerr. I thank NDTV for giving me the chance to promote my new film – HISS. I am here to educate people more about the sexiness & sensuousness of the snake and of course about my meaty role in the movie
HISS. Barkha & Ms. Maneka Gandhi – did you know that snakes have 180 degrees vision, they are cold blooded and they shed skin?”
Listening to this single informative line about the characteristics of the snake, Maneka Gandhi an animal rights activist rolls her eyes in irritation that someone else is here to speak about animals and their characteristics other than her. A few thousand miles away, the producers and directors at
National Geographic Society & the
Animal Planet fainted. In all their 188 years of existence the National Geographic Society and Animal Planet (since 1996) could never educate the people & viewers about these characteristics of the snake. Maybe this lady Ms. Sherwat does have brains, and damn it is sexy & informative.
JAYANTHI NATARAJAN – “Ms. Mallika, just because you can speak in a fake Haryaanvi JATMERICAN accent and shout from rooftops that your brain is your sexiest & most impressive asset, it doesn’t make you any more beautiful or sexier than me”.
MALLIKA SHERAWAT – “Who is she – Ms. Jayanthi Natarajan? Has she lost her mind man? Can she ever smile? Has she ever been in a Caarr Wash? Waterr all over the body, it is so WET & WAIILD? Well viewers, please watch HISS. It is the next big flop. It is highly educative, erotic, and depicts the power of the snake and the woman”.
BARKHA DUTT – “Well we will have a final word from Lalu Prasad Yadav before we go to an extended commercial break.
Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav, Sharad Pawar made a reference to the fodder scam. What do you have to say to that?”
LALU PRASAD YADAV – “Arre babuaa. I sud never have trusted Pawar-ji. I trusted him and paid him crores made from the Podder Scam so that he could become BCCI president. Aise insaanonki uupar viswaas karna maha paap hein”
Barkha Dutt was about to say something when she is interrupted by another booming voice. It is none other than Sanjay Dutt.
SANJAY DUTT – “Ha Ha Ha Lalu-ji. I hope you have learnt your lesson in not to trust people. Mein insaan par bharosa nahi kartha. Technology mere liye kaafi hein”.
And so the Debate continues!!!!
